


Beware of the Pool

by Harpokrates



Category: Metal Gear
Genre: Crackfic?, Gen, do people still call them that?, does this even qualify?, extremely dumb and very pointless
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-06
Updated: 2020-01-06
Packaged: 2021-02-27 16:09:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22149967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Harpokrates/pseuds/Harpokrates
Summary: Destiny, kismet, fate, call it what you will, but everything is predetermined by the very nature of genetic structure. Even the really dumb stuff.
Comments: 5
Kudos: 6





	Beware of the Pool

"Yeah, boss, it's in there pretty deep." Octopus frowned, which was clearly one of his own expressions because it looked bizarre on Anderson's face.

"Tell me something I don't already know." Liquid grunted, smacking away his fingers when he tried poking at the butter knife currently making its home in his ribs. "Gah, I'm having you courts-martialed for this, soldier!"

Sasaki looked up from where he was crouched, miserable, on the floor. "I thought we were rebelling from the government?"

"Come here, you—fuck!" Liquid tried to sit up, then shouted and collapsed back onto the row of chairs he was sprawled across.

"Don't listen to him Johnny!" The woman soldier Mildred?, shouted from inside her cell. "This is your chance! Tell everyone that you stabbed him and this will all be over!"

"But I didn't do it on purpose!" Sasaki wailed.

"Johnny! You worm!" Mildred banged on her cell door.

Liquid exchanged a look with Octopus, then he jerked his head back towards the cell.

"Yeah, yeah. You know, this is your fault for starting a coup  _ after _ the post doctor left." Octopus locked himself back into the cell.

"What are you doing to the DARPA chief?" Mildred shouted. "Leave him alone!"

"Sasaki," Liquid snapped, trying not to breathe too hard or bleed all over his greatcoat, "call—"

Liquid paused, reconsidered. "Call anyone but Ocelot."

Ocelot was a decent field medic, despite the fact that he carried a kit that Liquid was sure dated back to the Kennedy administration. The only problem was that he would start telling a story about how once  _ Big Boss _ had gotten stabbed, which would start like any other of his war stories but would quickly devolve into pulling of Big Boss' bloody shirt around the wound in his glistening muscles, the taut flesh against Ocelot's nubile fingertips, and then Liquid usually had to leave the room to throw up.

Sasaki whimpered, then bolted for the door.

Liquid settled back on the chair, frowning in consternation. His eyes widened.

"And don't bring Wolf!"

In the distance, Sasaki clattered over a potted plant. Liquid resettled himself.

"I hope you bleed out!" Mildred shouted at him. For all her bullheaded flaws and general inability to not join his coup, she was a decent soldier. Her bravado reminded him a bit of himself at her age, right before the bitterness and daddy issues really started to set in.

"I can't promise anything, Private." Liquid hummed. He retrieved his trench knife from its sheath on his belt and used the reflection to look at his embarrassing stab wound.

Yes, it certainly was a butter knife. And, unless his blood was purple, Sasaki had been eating his dinner when Liquid had started him. Who knew grape jelly stung that much? The knife was jammed above his right floating rib, to the hilt, which was probably about three inches deep. He'd certainly had worse knife wounds, and in more dire circumstances, but it would be really damn embarrassing to collapse during a taping of their demands to the government because there was a butter knife resting comfortably in his gut. Well, not  _ in _ his gut, he knew what that felt like, and this pain wasn't nearly as agonizing as that. 

But it was still awful.

Liquid scowled around the pain. This was all Big Boss' fault. Big Boss and his utilitarian approach to children. His evil twin probably didn't get knifed in the gut by incompetent minions. That might've not technically been due to genetics, but it felt good to blame Big Boss anyways.

"I'm back, Commander!" Sasaki shouted, barreling through the door. "I got a doctor!"

"I'm not a medical doctor." That dweeby nerd in charge of REX was saying. "My PhD is in Engineering. I—uh."

He caught sight of Liquid, or more accurately, of Liquid's gushing wound, and went white.

"I need to sit down." He gasped, collapsing against the wall and sliding to the floor. Liquid propped himself up on his elbow to properly glare at him.

"God, you're useless." Liquid muttered.

"C'mon, Johnny," Mildred (maybe it was Meridith?) shouted, kicking her cell door, "don't let him treat you like that!"

Liquid was tempted to pull out the knife and throw it at the cell door, but that would only kill him. He'd keep the option open.

"Can't you like, do stitches?" Sasaki crouched over the doctor—something with an E; Liquid was bad at names unless they had something to do with animals—and patted his shoulder.

"I can't fix him unless he's a robot." The doctor muttered. Sasaki looked up at Liquid.

"No."

"Damn."

"Get," Liquid cast about for a name, "someone. Raven."

"On it, boss." Sasaki saluted and bolted off, leaving Liquid in his agony.

"Is your blood purple?" The doctor said weakly. Einstein? Maybe?

"That's grape jelly." Liquid corrected him.

"You bleed grape jelly?"

"I bleed blood." Liquid paused. "Is that possible?"

There was a rustle of fabric as the man shrugged. "They're discovering new things about genetics every day. We share 24% of our DNA with grapes."

Liquid nodded sagely. "The inferior, recessive genes."

"...what?" Einstein glanced out of his corner, eyes boggled through his coke bottle lenses. He went a little green when he saw Liquid, and quickly ducked back into safety.

"The recessive genes. The ones that make you inferior." Ha. Some scientist. True, if he built robots he probably didn't have Liquid's masterful understanding of genetics, but that was no excuse for not knowing basic science.

"That's not what…" the man muttered under his breath.

"Everyone has two types of genes," Liquid explained, "dominant and recessive. When you have children, they can get the dominant or recessive genes. This determines their lot in life. Everything is genetics." He muttered darkly.

Einstein stared at him, lightheadedness forgotten in the face of Liquid's sheer genius.

"What?"

"What's an allele?"

"Never met her."

"Commander." For such a large man, Raven sure could move silently. He loomed over Liquid, taking up the doorway and most of the room.

"Raven." Liquid grunted and shifted his hand to reveal the knife. "Know anything about stitches?"

Raven glanced around the room. A dweeb in a white parka having a breakdown in the corner, Octopus trying very hard to pretend he wasn't paying attention, Sasaki trying to squeeze by Raven's bulk and mostly failing, and Meridith going feral in her cell.

He closed his eyes and sighed. "I'm getting Revolver Ocelot."

"Not him," Liquid whined. "Get Wolf if you have to."

Raven glanced down at him like he was going to do what he wanted anyway, and left the room.

"You're looking really pale, boss." Sasaki said. You're almost as pale as him."

Einstein lifted his head out of his arms. "Can you just put me back in the labs? Leave me in the hallway even; I can hold my breath."

"No can do, Dr. Emmerich." That was his name? "Without a gas mask—"

Sasaki paused, cocking his head towards the wall. "Does anyone else hear that?"

Liquid glanced at Sasaki, then at Emmerich, who shook his head.

"Hit your head, soldier?"

"What? No, there's this humming sound. Like some… kind of music." Sasaki scratched at his collar. "It's making me—"

His fingers snagged on the zipper. "—feel a little weird."

"Mantis!" Liquid snapped. "If he strips in here, I'm throwing you into the ocean!"

"Relax, boss." A thin voice echoed through the room. Emmerich screeched when Mantis poked his head through the wall. "Behold, the force of my physic powers."

His mask turned towards Emmerich. "You like Metal Gear, don't you?"

Emmerich stopped screaming and blinked at him in confusion. "I-I work on it. Yeah."

"Exactly as I predicted." He didn't exactly frown, but he gave the impression of it. "I should leave. I don't want to be here for this part."

"Yes, you should." Liquid glared at him.

"Hmm. Have fun, boss."

"What do you mean by—"

"What do you want?" Ocelot's grizzled voice rang through the brig.

"Oh goddammit." Liquid let his head drop back against the chair with a thunk.

"Sir!" Sasaki saluted and tried to zip up his jacket at the same time, and ended up tangled in his sleeve. "Commander Snake has been stabbed."

Ocelot's eyes narrowed and he glanced around the brig. "A US agent?"

"No sir!" Sasaki shouted. "I was making a sandwich and slipped!"

Ocelot's eyes lighted on the butterknife in Liquid's gut. "Huh."

"Just fix it, Ocelot."

"Sure thing, boss." Ocelot did a poor job hiding his smirk and fished in his many pockets until he found an ancient canvas bag. Liquid eyed it.

"What would happen if I brought a Geiger counter in here?"

"Probably nothing good. Hey."

"What—" Ocelot flicked him in the nose and pulled the knife out in one smooth move. "Bastard!"

"Stop moving. You," he jerked his head at Emmerich, "hold this."

He pressed a gauze pad over the wound. Emmerich slowly climbed to his feet and weakly stumbled over and blindly felt at Liquid's stomach until he found the gauze.

"O-okay." He mumbled, eyes focused on the ceiling. "I've got it."

"Not good enough," Ocelot shook his head, then slammed his hand down over Emmerich's shaking fingers. "Like this!"

"Fuck!" Liquid bellowed, doing his best to not puke. 

Ocelot grunted, and mist have considered it good enough, because he turned back to his bag and started whistling while he prepared a syringe of saline and a suture kit.

"Are you alright?" Emmerich whispered.

"If he starts talking about oily muscles, break my neck."

"Alright," Ocelot said, jostling Emmerich out of neck breaking range, "don't flinch."

Liquid grit his teeth as Ocelot flushed the last of the grape jelly out of his abdomen with saline.

"That smarts." He gasped.

"Don't get stabbed."

"Ah, so that was my mistake."

"Hmph." Ocelot cleaned the skin with an iodine solution, then methodically began stabbing Liquid through with a needle and thread. Liquid grimaced, but he was a big strong turncoat so he only teared up a little bit.

One, two, three sutures.

"Stop squirming." Ocelot grunted.

"Easy for you to say."

"Hold his shoulders." Ocelot jerked his chin at Dr. Emmerich. The good doctor blinked, then looked down at Liquid.

"You want me…" he trailed off, holding his hands shoulder width apart, then moved them out to Liquid's shoulder width apart.

"Nevermind."

"Doctor!" Meridith shouted. "Dr. Emmerich? Get away from him, you slime!" She rammed the door with her shoulder. Emmerich jumped.

"Doctor! You don't have to listen to them! Just destroy the Metal Gear! That's all they want! If they can't have the Metal Gear, all of this is for nothing!"

Liquid and Ocelot both glared at him. Emmerich stood up and shuffled back to his corner. Sasaki looked between them and pulled a pair of handcuffs off his belt. 

"You want I should…"

"I'm just gonna stay over here." He mumbled, sitting down and covering his head.

"Coward!" Meridith rammed the door again. Maybe it was the bloodloss, but it looked like the hinges moved a bit.

"Let's finish this up then." Liquid said.

"Hmph." Ocelot grunted, and continued his torture. "You know what this reminds me of?"

"Oh God."

" _ Big Boss _ ."

"You," Liquid snapped his fingers at Emmerich, "kill me. Kill me now. It would be a mercy."

"I—"

"Do it, Dr. Emmerich!" Meridith shouted. "Let me out and I'll kill him for you!"

"It was a hot day in Afghanistan. The Soviets were hunting for us, but Big Boss was a master of disguise."

Emmerich mouthed 'Soviets', before shaking his head. "Look, can I get back to my lab?"

"You can get over here and put an end to my suffering."

"Yes!"

"Some punk got him with a knife—right up under the ribs. Of course, I being the only one on hand, I had to treat it."

"I'm sure DARPA will renegotiate my release." Octopus said. He sounded as miserable as Liquid felt.

"I took off his shirt. His  _ thick _ ,  _ glistening _ muscles  _ throbbed _ —"

The door slammed open. Liquid stopped trying to kill himself by slamming his head on the bench.

Sniper Wolf looked at them, looked at the trembling man in the corner, looked at how sweaty Ocelot was, looked at the slightly dented cell door. She grimaced.

"I'll leave you to it."

"Wolf come back!" Liquid shouted.

The door slammed shut.

Liquid let his head drop back to the bench. Ocelot grunted and tied off the last suture, then plastered over the stitches with a transparent dressing.

"Big Boss didn't complain this much."

"Well he's a corpse, so."

"Uh, boss?" Came a thin voice from the DARPA chief's cell.

"Not. Now." Liquid gritted out. And then, because the universe hated him, a man crashed through the air vents and landed on him.

"Fuck!"

John McClane's evil twin was up before Liquid stopped screaming, and managed to hit Ocelot in the shoulder with his silenced pistol. Ocelot hit the ground with a grunt, and the man pressed his knee into Liquid's throat. He trained the gun on Sasaki, who immediately stuck his hands up.

"I was the one who stabbed him."

"Let the woman out." He jerked his chin at Emmerich, who scrambled to his feet and took the keycard from where it had fallen out of Liquid's pocket. He tucked his face into his collar.

"Colonel, I've managed to subdue the terrorists."

A man's voice crackled out of his headpiece. "Great job, Snake. We'll send reinforcements your way."

Liquid cracked his head against the bench. Snake. Of course. He cracked an eye at his evil twin.

"Say. What do you know about genes?"

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from B52's Private Idaho. 
> 
> This has been sitting unfinished in my docs for like two years but new year new me have some extremely dumb fanfic. I have no idea why I even started writing this, but I hope it can at least make you laugh.


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